Damsel Houses
I like Harry Potter-verse. I really do.
But one thing that never made any sense to me was their houses. Students are sorted by a talking hat who scars them for life by defining them by a single trait they supposedly exhibit strongly. Gryffindor is bravery, Slytherin is ambition, Ravenclaw is intelligence and Hufflepuff is ‘everyone else’ (geez, couldn’t think of another trait, Rowling? Why not ‘athleticism’ or something? Poor kids! They’re essentially told they’re not good at anything!)
Of course, those breakdowns are nonsense. We all know it’s really Gryffindor is for Mary Sues, Slytherin is for the bad guys, Ravenclaw is for nerds and Hufflepuff is for ‘everyone else’ (ok, so the books got that one right).
Anyway, because i love the Harry Potter verse, i thought i’d break down the archtypical Damsels In Distress into 4 houses depending on their primary traits.
But breaking down groups into roughly equal divisions based on their personalities is difficult. So i thought i’d just use Marisu, Sixteen, Elena and Feather as the ‘defining damsels’ for their respective houses and box everyone in that way.
Hey, no worse than Hogwarts, right? At least i’m not scarring kids for life. You just know the wizarding world has had problems with “Hufflepuffs need not apply” signs (or do they just say “Hufflepuffs are important too”?)
I’d only amend that to Ravenclaw is for plot devices, e.g. the old wizard who knows the last clue in the Mary Sue’s quest, and Hufflepuff is for sidekicks, but yeah, another aspect of JK’s universe that makes no sense (Dementors – really?)
I’d also say the Ravenclaw’s aren’t so much the smartest as just those who think they’re the smartest. I mean, Hermione’s canonically the smartest one in the books, and that’s because she’s a mary sue… er, Gryffindor.
Cho was so demonstrably bad at magic she needed help with it from book-dumb Harry (who in turn needs help from book-smart Hermione). And she was in a year above him!
Luna isn’t so much smart as naive. Sure, she’s more aware of fringe topics, but only because she believes in literally every magical conspiracy out there. Sort’ve like the guy who knows all about MKUltra, Tuskegee and the iraq war, making you thinking “this guy knows his stuff”. Then he casually drops in something about lizard people running the world governments.
I never thought about it but you’re right, that hat could really mess someone up – “go join the snake clan in the basement little kid, you’ll love it I promise.” No problems there. Really they should at least wear the hat each year since personalties can change, especially over one’s time at school.
Anyway this was a cool idea! I really wanna see a show about a school for “soon to be damsels” now…
Yeah, i feel bad for the 10 year old who, upon first discovering they have magic, is nervous, scared, confused and ignorant of the world they are going into. “Welcome to Hufflepuff!”
4 years later, they’re a competent, confident, non-evil wizarding master. Still a Hufflepuff, though, i guess.
#HufflypuffLivesMatter
Shitty jokes aside, as someone who isn’t THAT familiar with the Potterverse, I really liked this analysis and breaking down of damsels in distress. Over all they seem pretty spot on, though I’m not sure if the titles are meant to be taking at the most literal level, like the Mary Sue house being for only mary sues or any protagonists.
I was harkening to the Brave New World “Epsilons are important too”. Feels a little more insulting that way. 🙂
Well, my description says House Mary Sue is for the “protagonist” (in quotes). Because it’s not just for the main characters, but any damsel who is confident and competent, but prone to getting captured all the same. Most just happen to be main characters, too.
The only reason “Mary Sue” is in the title is because a) it’s funny since Marisu is the example damsel and b) it’s a knock at Gryffindor House, which is composed entirely of characters who are better than the other houses’ characters at even things the other houses are supposed to be good at.
Aside, on actual Mary Sues. Most don’t ever get tied up, because that’s a sign of ‘weakness’ (something a Mary Sue would never exhibit). And if they do get tied up, expect it to be a crappy “hands in front”-type variety specifically designed to a) not be fanservice-y (since a Mary Sue’s fanservice is in being ‘awesome’) and b) allow them to easily escape (and be more ‘awesome’).
Truly a shame, really. ‘Twould be fun to see a Mary Sue kick ass in an armbinder, ball gag, and stiletto heels, not even bothering to try to wriggle free or escape and just skipping straight to taking down the obligatory bad guys with a smug grin around the gag. It’d show that they actually ARE badass, instead of just being shilled as “awesome” by everyone around them.
Also, of course I love the effects of the Ballgagus spell 🙂 (I presume Latin scholars tend to wince at JK’s very doggy Dog Latin).